In the work that I do, helping people experience a more blissful relationship, I often find that one partner is more interested than the other in doing work with me.
I recently had a conversation with a woman who wanted to work with me along with her husband, but she thought he would be resistant to doing it. She said that maybe she would tell him that it was this or a divorce. While that might get his attention, I’m not sure that it would create an authentic motivation on his part. And it’s likely that a harsh approach will create resistance rather than an opening for transformation.
This poem might give some inspiration for another way of handling it.
The Prettiest Mule
Sometimes a mule does not know
What is best for itself.
When the mind is confused like that
It secretly desires a master
With a skilled whip
To guide it to those playgrounds
On the earth’s table
Where the Sweet One’s light has
Made life more tasty.
Hafiz always carries such a whip
But I rarely need to use it.
I prefer just turning myself into
The prettiest mule
In town
And making my tail sing
Knowing your heart will then
Follow.
- Hafiz, translated by Daniel Ladinsky
Like my Southern Granny used to say: “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”
So here are some guidelines for how to talk to a partner who is reluctant to do work on your sexual relationship:
- Don’t make them wrong. This can create lasting damage to their sense of being a good lover. When someone is insecure, they will be tentative in their approach to you and probably more in their head than in their body. Not a good way to be when you’re making love.
- Tell them what you are longing for, in positive terms. Tell them why you are longing for it. For example, “I remember how we used to be so passionate, and I really would love to share that beautiful energy with you again. It gives me so much life and energy for the rest of my life, and everything flows so easily when I’m filled up like that.”
- Mention what they will get from doing it. For example, “I think that you would enjoy a more passionate relationship too. When we are having good lovemaking, we have such a joyful connection. Everything flows more smoothly. I don’t get so irritable over the dishes in the sink when we’ve just made love.”
- Many people think that the ability to be a good lover should just come naturally, and that they are a failure if they need to seek help. Reassure them that it’s not a failure. There is a cultural assumption that a good lover should know without being told what their partner likes. But hardly anyone is ever taught how to do it!
- Reassure them that your chosen practitioner (that would be me, I hope!) will hold a space of no judgment. I am so comfortable with talking about sexuality that the ease I feel spills over to you and pretty soon you’re talking in ways you never dreamed you could, with more comfort than you could imagine. It’s very liberating!
If I can be of service to you in helping you to create a sexual renaissance in your relationship, or for yourself (because it all starts there anyway), I’d like to offer you a next step: a free Sexual Communion Gateway Session. In this 30-60 minute phone call, I will help you get clear where you are in this area, what your challenges are, and give you my best recommendations on how to deal with these challenges. And if it seems like I could help you further, I might recommend that we do further work together. But there are no strings attached, just a whole-hearted desire to be of service to you.
To schedule this session, click here.
I’d love to help you find your sexual communion!
Satya Lila 