John and I recently celebrated our 10th anniversary of being together. I made him a book of photos and writings highlighting fun times we’ve shared over these years. This is its cover page. It was so lovely to look back on these ten years as I made the book. We have really built a powerful love.
While talking with a friend about this anniversary, she asked me what I was most proud of in how I’ve been in this relationship. After a moment of reflection, I realized that I am really proud of how conscious we both stay in relating to each other. We are rarely reactive to each other, and because we have both been consistently kind to each other, there is no automatic defensiveness that rears its ugly head.
One of our commitments is to remember in times of upset that we are allies, and to take personal responsibility for our own issues. Not easy to do at first, but it really has smoothed the way in being together.
Here’s an example. The most common place that we irritate each other is a place where each of our personal issues converge. John dislikes being told what to do. Freedom is really important to him. I have a tendency to tell people what to do a lot. (I was the oldest sibling in my family and I’m a natural leader. Or, as my sister puts it, I’m bossy!) These issues can set off upsets and contractions between us.
But we’ve been there before. Over the years it’s come up several times. Each time, we’ve both stayed calm and trusted that the love is more powerful than the issue. Neither of us has attacked the other over hurt feelings, rather we just expressed how we felt kindly. And we’ve listened to each other. Because of this, we can move through a little upset in a matter of minutes.
It happened just a little while ago. We were cooking dinner together. John was at the stove. I was about to make a salad, but next to the sink John had left a big pile of radishes from the garden still with their greens attached. So no space to wash lettuce. I asked him what he wanted to do with the radishes, intending to move them somewhere else myself since he was busy, but he thought I was pressuring him to do something with them right then. His reply was a little snappy, and my belly contracted. I could have snapped back, but I didn’t. I waited a moment, then told him that I wasn’t trying to control him, rather trying to help him. He took that in, and a moment later came over and kissed me on the head. He was able to just drop it and get back to the love.
It’s a small example, but the small stuff adds up. It’s how we treat each other moment to moment, day after day, that makes a relationship really harmonious. Consistency builds trust.
Wishing you lots of sweet loving!
Satya Lila 